Baby Owen - hospital birth with midwife - August 2002

Owen is our first child; he was born on Friday, August 23, 2002 at 4:42 AM.

We had been planning a homebirth since very early on, and were under the care of a pair of midwives. At about 35 weeks, we’d hired a doula as well. We’d bought the homebirth kit, and all the added supplies that were suggested. Our bedroom was set up in a way that would allow the midwife the best access to lighting and outlets as was possible.

At 37 weeks, I’d started taking Evening Primrose Oil in the hopes of softening my cervix and allowing for easier dilation and effacement when the time came. I didn’t want to speed labour up any, or make it come on any sooner, just to make it as easy as I could. About the same time I started seeing a chiropractor every couple of days – she was doing the “Webster Technique” on me. I saw her a total of 6 times for this, and will definitely look into it again next time around.

I’d been having Braxton-Hicks contractions off and on since I was 21 weeks, so when these mild, painless contractions started coming more regularly at 38 weeks, the thought that I was in labour didn’t even exist. I hoped that I was, because I was so eager to meet our “Peanut”, but also hoped that I wasn’t, as I was in no hurry to end the pregnancy. The Braxton-Hicks kept up for 2 days, but no regularity or pain with them at all.

Hubby and I went to bed as usual on the 22nd – but only got about 3 hours sleep as I woke up at 1:15 AM, just as my water broke! No contractions though. We puttered around the apartment for the next 45 minutes – setting up for the impending birth. We got my labour supplies ready, made up the bed with a waterproof sheet – I even sent hubby to the grocery store for some food for our attendants!

Around 2:30 AM I was feeling a LOT of back pain, and had my husband page our midwife – turns out she was already at the hospital attending another birth. We had the choice of going there or having a midwife we didn’t know come to our home. I didn’t think I was very far into the labour process, so opted to go to the hospital. We called our doula and grabbed the “emergency” bag I had packed and into the car we went. The hospital is a good 40 minute drive away from our home.

Got to the hospital around 3:45 or so – I didn’t notice the exact time, and met our midwife. We went into a room, and it took a few minutes before I could get onto the bed to be checked out (I told her that I had to do something about the pain in my back – it was excruciating). She checks me and tells me I should try to push with the next contraction!

I tried a couple of different positions, but with the pain in my back, had a difficult time finding a comfortable position – finally the midwife suggested my hands and knees on the bed. Once I was in that position, you couldn’t have moved me with a pack of wild horses ! I didn’t have any urge to push at that point, so was prompted for a bit, but after a few pushes, the urge to push hit me. About the same time, our doula arrived. This was at about 4 AM.

The doula had brought orange balls with her – roller hockey style – with faces on them. I took one in each hand and squeezed them as hard as I possibly could while I pushed. The doula and my husband were rubbing my back and hips, or mopping my face with a cloth, or giving me drinks of water. Throughout the entire labour, everybody kept saying how I was doing “a good job” or some other version of the same thought – great motivation, but I kept telling them “NO!”. I don’t really know why, maybe because this was my first birth, but I really did NOT feel like I was accomplishing anything – or doing anything that was good. It became something of a mantra for me, and between that and a lot of loud moaning and groaning (this helps so much) we all got through it.

After pushing for about 45 minutes our son was born – no crying or sound at all. I was totally freaked out by that, and was completely unable to move at first. The midwife put him up under my legs (I’m still on my hands and knees here) for me to see – he was breathing just fine, and absolutely beautiful. I think I relaxed immediately on seeing him.

I looked around after seeing my son, my husband was crying so hard he could barely speak – he hadn’t been able to see if our baby was a boy or a girl. I’m not certain, but I think I said to him “It’s Owen”, or something very close to that. He was absolutely thrilled, and has been a very protective and loving father.

Within a few minutes of Owen’s birth, I had him on my chest and he took to nursing like a pro.

I can hardly describe the joy I felt in welcoming our son into our family, or how thankful I am to our midwives and our doula and friend who were with us and shared this miracle.

I had no medication, and only needed a few stitches. We left the hospital just a few hours later, and where home before Owen was 8 hours old !

It didn’t go as planned, but our son is a healthy, happy baby, and that is something I would not trade in for the world !

Baby Heather - home waterbirth - August 2004

Heather Elizabeth is our second child; she was born on Friday August 27, 2004 at 1:50 PM.

We had planned a homebirth from the moment we knew I was expecting. I don’t think anything else honestly crossed our minds even – we knew that home was where we wanted to welcome our child.

Sometime in the last couple of months, I started researching water birth, and came to the conclusion that I wanted the option of having my baby in the water, and that if I had any amount of back labour again, I definitely wanted to labour in the water. We borrowed an inflatable kiddie pool and waterbed hook-up kit and figured out where best to put these in our living room.

After having had our first baby at 38 weeks, I was mentally prepared to have this baby before its due date – but 38 weeks came and went. Then 39 weeks came and went. I was having bouts of false labour – intense Braxton-Hicks contractions, but nothing that lasted for more than a few hours.

At 40 weeks – on my baby’s “due date”, we went out in the morning to pick up a box of fruit, and a bit of running around too. We got back to the apartment sometime after 11 am. Brad cooked up some pasta, beginning to prepare for our lunch, and I had put Owen down for a nap. It was closing in on noon.

I was sitting in front of our computer, chatting with a couple of friends when I first felt the contractions. It hurt. Not just simple “intense” like I’d been feeling before, but out-right pain. A couple more contractions like that, and I was telling “T” (our Doula) that this hurt – we talked between contractions for a little while, and she asked if she should come over. Hesitant to call her over after having several false starts, I told her to ask me again in a half-hour. She went to shower. When she came back – I was ready to have her come over. That was around 12:20.

When “T” arrived, Brad had inflated the kiddie pool, and was in the process of filling it up with water, and trying to put pressure on my lower back as I leaned across an exercise ball during contractions. She took over the back pressure while Brad checked on the pool – and she showed me that she’d brought back the smiley-face balls she had had with her during Owen’s birth!

Not long after that, the pool was filled enough for me to get in - so I waited for a bit of a break, stripped down, and got into the pool, leaning on the couch on my hands and knees.
Somewhere around there - our doula asked if she should call 911, but was told "NO" in no uncertain terms - there was a midwife on the way, and I was managing okay (contrary to the moaning and groaning and carrying on I was doing in the pool!). The phone rang then - the midwife who was on her way had been in a car accident!! But another midwife was on her way!
It wasn't long after that that what felt like multiple contractions on top of one another started - luckily, that didn't last long, and I could feel the baby coming way down. Brad was standing in the pool behind me, pushing on my back and tailbone.
My water broke in a gush - clear as clear could be! Brad didn't notice anything because I was in the water, but there was NO missing it for me.
A couple of contractions later I was screaming - loud - NO NO NO. Our doula asked me "No what" - I told her the baby was coming now, coming out.
Our doula was telling Brad to look and see if he could see the baby's head, but because of our positions, he couldn't tell. I think it was 2 contractions later that I could feel her head coming out - somehow I flipped from my hands and knees to sitting - Brad could see the back of her head then. I told him to hold the baby's head, but then put my hands back onto her as the next contraction came on and her head came out. I had her head in my hands as her shoulders came out next, then somehow caught her under the shoulders as she flew out with the next contraction.
I brought her up out of the water, and looked to see if our baby was a boy or a girl. I *think* I told Brad and Our doula that we had a baby girl, but I'm not sure. That was 1:50 pm. Not two full hours after the first contraction hit me!
Heather latched on and started to suckle almost immediately, so we stayed in the water for a little while - someone contacted our midwife and told her that the baby was here, breathing, nursing and starting to get some colour, and I called my mom too.
With some help I got out of the pool and onto our couch; and was lounging there, covered in lots of towels and a blanket, when the midwife (not ours) arrived about 2:15 pm.
Heather's cord was cut around 3 PM, placenta delivered not too long after that. She has been nursing like a dream, had lots of wet diapers and is working on clearing out the meconium. Her big brother has been kissing and loving on her, he is fascinated with her little nose.

Baby Wyatt - home waterbirth - December 2006

2am, Friday, December 8th, 2006 – I hear my son wake up and send Brad in to him to settle back down. I roll over and snuggle up next to my daughter to go back to sleep only to be gripped by a strong contraction. Not overly painful, but enough to get my attention. As I’d been having practice contractions for quite some time, I planned on just going to sleep anyhow.

No such luck, as another contraction starts just a couple of minutes later. I get up – go to go pee and get a drink.

By 2:30, there is no ignoring these – so I go and wake my hubby up.

Between 2:30 am and 5:00 am, we time some of the contractions – they are quite strong, enough that I need to breathe through them – and find little to no pattern. From 2 to 5 minutes between, but no longer.

As 5:00 am rolls around and the kids wake up, the contractions space put – going up to 10 minutes between. I alternate between pacing the hall with my daughter shadowing me, and bouncing on my yoga ball.

Somewhere between 6 and 7, the contractions space out even more – I go run a nice warm bath, I’m already exhausted, having only gotten 3 hours sleep the night before. Brad calls our doula to put her on alert though – just in case things pick up. I stay in the bath for about a ½ hour – no contractions at all, and I’m feeling very sleepy, so I head off to bed. In bed, I have a few, but am able to work through them and rest some, even if I’m not sleeping.

Get back up around 8:30 or so – contractions are still sporadic and strong, and I’m seeing some of what I can only guess is my plug, but no bloody show yet.

I ½ lay on the couch and literally sleep (snoring!) between contractions for a while, and just kept up with the sporadic contractions for a while. I lost track of time, but know that I did get back into the tub a second time at some point.

Around 11:45 I was nursing Heather down for her nap – laying in her bed with her – she was almost asleep even – when the first “real” contraction hit. By real, I mean the first that hurt a lot. After a couple of those coming close, I had to pee and finally saw some bloody show.

Called my doula and started leaning on my yoga ball while handling (sort of) the contractions – lots of low moaning from me – I am not a quiet labourer. Also got Brad to get the pool and start filling it with water – I’m glad we’d already inflated it.

At 12:10, the hose for the pool flew out of the pool, spraying the wall and window with water – you know, you need comedy relief even during labour !

5 minutes later, the fire alarm went off. We live in a high-rise apartment building, and they were doing the monthly test. Thankfully, I didn’t have any contractions during the alarm, as I was trying to comfort Owen, who gets very frightened by the alarm.

It was right then that, our doula arrived. The extra set of hands was great – she really helped to keep the kids occupied, even gave them little “helper” jobs – getting cold washcloths and having them rub my back, and helping me to reassure them that I really was “ok”.

Things really start to run together at this point for me – the contractions are coming about every 2 minutes or less, and are REALLY strong too. Brad and our doula were having a hard time getting the pool warm enough – but they eventually did and I got in the water.

It must have been a little after 1pm then, as the doula paged our midwife pretty much as I got in the water.

Being in the water was really helpful to me – it was familiar territory, and the water itself felt good on my skin, cooler and supportive.

The contractions started coming one on top of the other before too long – and my moaning went from low to very high. Not quite screaming, but not far from it.

Around 1:30 or so, my water broke – I asked both Brad and the doula several times to confirm that it was clear. They’d both told me it was, but I kept needing the reassurance.

Commence screaming phase – this is likely transition, and the part of labour that I really and truly hate. No break between contractions, the intensity is feeling insurmountable, and I’m begging for someone to make it stop. It doesn’t feel like I can take another moment, but my doula keeps her calm, trying to reassure me that we’re close now, and that I’m doing good. I’m almost sobbing as I tell her that I’m NOT doing well.

I can feel my baby coming down, but can’t feel the head yet – a few more contractions (and screams) and I can’t help but push – SHOVE – to bring this baby down.

We realize now that the midwife hasn’t returned the page, and the doula goes to the phone and pages her a second time.

As she’s on the phone with the paging surface another contraction comes on and I shove for all I’m worth – the baby’s head is there now. One more contraction and I’m hollering across the room that the head is OUT !!

I get a momentary break, a minute maybe, to catch my breath. Then it’s time to get this baby out – I don’t like pushing, and I can’t do slow or small pushes. It’s all or nothing. One contraction, two more huge pushes, and baby is in Daddy’s hands.

Here is the only moment of worry in this birth – I want to see my baby, but Brad and our doula are literally pushing my leg down (I was on my hands and knees) so I can’t turn over. I’m fighting them both. Our doula says that the cord is around his neck and I HAVE TO stay still so she can unwrap him !

Okay – staying still, those few seconds felt like forever to me. I couldn’t see my baby – I didn’t hear him either – and I was worried sick.

In just a moment, likely under a minute, I was given the okay to turn over and handed my baby for the first time. He was big, purple, and snuffy. But breathing and absolutely gorgeous.

He was really stuffy – I put him semi-reclining in my arms and rubbed his back – he sneezed and coughed out some mucous then started crying. His little voice sounded like a kitten.

I called my mom, then got out of the pool and onto the couch.

Doula put in a 3rd page to the midwife then, and we eventually did hear back from her that time.

We waited about an hour, maybe an hour and a half, for the placenta to show. Baby Wyatt nursed almost constantly during that time.

The midwife arrived about 2 hours after his birth.

Baby Wyatt made his grand entrance at 1:50pm, weighing in at 9lbs 2oz, and measuring 21 inches long.

He’s nursed like a champ since then.

Baby Jesse - born still, July 21, 2009

What's haunting to me most right now is how Jesse's story starts. Finding out I was pregnant again was hard, we were in no position to bring another child into our family, painful to admit that at the beginning, this was not a wanted baby. We were scared, lots of tears, acceptance came slowly - very slowly. Eventually though, and I cannot say exactly when, we came to accept that we were going to be the parents of 4, and even began to look forward to this new baby, and start making plans for him or her.

I first saw our midwife on April 27 at almost 11 weeks. Nothing fancy - lots of paperwork, and a cursory check for a heartbeat (wasn't found). No bells there, since it was still early.

Went in again on May 26, just shy of 14 weeks. Baby had a heartrate of about 160 bpm, everything seemed to be okay.

Had both an U/S and another appointment on June 22, just a couple of days shy of 19 weeks. U/S in the morning. Baby had a heartbeat (I don't have a count), but was apparently sleeping the entire time - the tech could NOT get babe to move, and was talking about how she 'hates' when they book u/s for prior to 18 weeks.
My midwife appointment went okay - fundus was at the right spot, and babe's heartrate was 150-160 bpm.
Midwife was not concerned that I had not been able to feel movement yet, apparently it's still early enough to not be a concern.

I started getting concerned not long after that, as more and more time passed and I was not feeling any movement, nor was I gaining any weight at all. Add in that I'd been on abx twice in the previous 6 weeks, I was getting scared.

I called the midwives on July 6th (just shy of 21 weeks) and told them about not feeling any movement and being totally scared because of that. They looked up the u/s and said that I had an anterior placenta, and that often causes a delay in feeling fetal movement. I was not cramping or bleeding, so hold out until my next visit.

On July 9th - so just over 2 weeks after the u/s, putting me just past 21 weeks, I went to a walk-in clinic thinking I had yet another ear infection. While there, I had the doc attempt to find the heartbeat, which he could not do. He looked up the u/s (done at the same clinic) and said that because those results looked 'good', he was not going to recommend another u/s even though he could not find a heartbeat - because the u/s had found an anterior placenta, and it was "unlikely" that anything had happened in the previous 2 weeks.

So, I wait. I had borrowed a doppler from a friend locally, but had long since stopped finding a heartbeat on my own - chocking this up to that damned anterior placenta I kept hearing about. I finally gave it back because I was driving myself insane. I spent so much time just laying down trying to feel SOMETHING. I couldn't even make myself imagine a movement though - there was NOTHING being felt.

And then we come up to my next appointment. Monday, July 20. 4:00 pm.

The kids and I drive up to the clinic, Brad meets us there (he works very close to the clinic).
Go in, mention again to the midwife that I'm still not feeling movement and can we please just cut to the chase and find it ? We go through a couple questions - I don't even remember what now - and she tries. But cannot find a heartbeat.

Worse - she cannot hear any placental sounds.

Calls in a 2nd midwife, who also cannot find anything.

They bring Brad and the kids in, and after a few phone calls and some paperwork on their part, we're sent off to Markham-Stouffville hospital to meet up with the on-call midwife.

Load up the kids, try to call our doula (no answer), and try to explain to the kids that we're going to the hospital to take some special photos, because we don't think baby's heart is beeping. Heather 'gets it' right away that it means that baby could be dead, and breaks down. Owen doesn't yet, and Wyatt is too young.

We get to the hospital - the OB brings in a little portable u/s machine, confirms that he can't see a heartbeat, but wants a proper u/s to confirm before we make any decisions. So off to u/s I go. We 'know' there isn't any life there, this waiting and rigamarole is painful (not physically) and the waiting is difficult for us all.

Anyhow - u/s again confirms that baby is gone, and has been for a long time. Back to the room for some talking and to make some arrangements for the kids. Brad's parents come up from Cobourg and take all three kids back with them.

I get back to our room about 8:30, have some blood work done and finally get a shot of Gravol.

Doctor has given us three options - stay and induce, wait and come back, or go home and wait. We wanted things done - I could not imagine dealing with delivering a still born at home with the kids there, knowing that it had been gone long enough to likely be a disturbing visual for a 2-, 4-, and 6-yr old. Going home wasn't going to help, I wasn't going to sleep and it would be hard on the kids to see Brad and I like that. So we stayed.

10:00 PM, Dr. G comes in and explains how we're going to induce - some kind of vaginal tablet (I didn't catch the name at the time) every 4 hours, and eventually an IV of oxytocin if needed. I get the first tablets then, and he confirms that my cervix is closed up tight.

Brad and I manage to dose off and on, and around midnight I start noticing some very mild cramping.

I woke up a bit before 2:00, knew that the doc would be coming in again soon, but couldn't get back to sleep anyhow. Still kind of crampy, but nothing I'd have called a contraction.

The nurse brought us in a TV and dvd player about then - we put in Mama Mia. Something to keep us occupied a little - some distraction through was was proving to be a LONG night.

Got the next tablets at about 2:15 AM or so, and again checked my cervix. Said it was soft, but still not dilating.

By 2:30 the cramping was getting pretty strong, in my legs and back as well as my belly. Basically steady, not off and on like a contraction is.

About 3:00, I'm in a fair amount of pain - but still a steady cramp, and Brad gets ahold of our nurse. She says she'll get me some morphine, and be back in a couple of minutes. I've peed by this time and seen a tiny bit of bloody mucous, but nothing much.

A couple minutes pass, the pain gets stronger, I'm kind of moaning through it, but it's not stopping.

About 3:25 I make a comment to Brad that it's been a long couple of minutes, and I notice at about the same time what feels like a gush, and also feel like I need to pee. I get up, and Brad tells me that it's blood. I go to the bathroom anyhow, and he goes out to get our nurse and let her know I'm bleeding (it's bright red blood now).

But it wasn't a need to pee that was my sensation - I no more than sit down to pee and I can feel bulging, and then pass what feels like a huge clot, but it's too slippery to catch, and it falls. I pull the call bell, but cannot move, cannot make myself look and see if what I knew had happened had really happened.

Brad and the nurses get there within seconds - she was apparently on her way to the room already, had had trouble contacting the doctor to okay the morphine, but had and was bringing it.

They got me back into bed - I think I was a bit shocky then, very shaky and scared all of a sudden. The nurse confirmed that our baby had been delivered. I made some stupid and completely inappropriate joke about continuing out tradition of water births.

It was quite some time before we got to see Jesse - he was not what anyone was expecting, and nobody seemed sure of how to proceed. They were expecting a baby who was 22 weeks, or close to it - somewhere around a full pound in weight and such. But our baby was much tinier than that. Had been gone longer than they'd thought he had. They called the midwife back in for us.

When the midwife came back she talked to us first, told us a little of what to expect, and asked us if we wanted to see the baby. We did - but I'll say it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Baby was born in the caul. The sac completely intact, placenta attached and everything.

The first thing I noticed was how small everything was - they'd not opened the sac yet - then how horrible the placenta was. The placenta was TINY - about the size of the bottom of a can of soda, but more oval - and mottled and white. Looked hard in some spots. The midwife said it showed as much calcification as that of a baby who is a couple weeks past their due date !

The midwife opened the sac, filled with meconium, and showed us our baby. The cord was wrapped twice around the neck.

Tiny - could fit into a hand. But skin so dark and stained. Perfect, but tiny, arms and legs, hands and feet - even fingernails already. Genitals were somewhat ambiguous, though both nurses, the midwife and the doctor said that they were about 80-90% sure it was a girl, they could not be sure. Ears looked like elf ears, kind of pointed. You could see ribs, a spine, everything. The only thing that was truly disturbing about the appearance of our baby was the head - she had passed long enough ago that her skull had collapsed, making her head quite flat. That was hard to see, hard to process.

We picked the name Jesse for our angel baby. It's a pretty name for a girl, but is just as easily a boys name if that is what the proper gender is.

They weighed him, a mere 3.9 oz (110 grams). We did allow a couple of pictures to be taken, but haven't got them yet - they will be stored at the midwifery clinic until we're ready to pick them up.

Neither Brad nor I held Jesse. He was extremely fragile, her bones barely bone. I commented to the midwife that he looked like rubber, and she agreed that that was a good analogy.

We will likely never know what happened to our little angel. They have sent the placenta off to pathology, but it will likely be several weeks before we get results. I wasn't clear on whether they were doing an autopsy or not. I don't think so, because there was just so little baby there.

I was hooked up to an IV with saline and oxytocin for about 6 hours after Jesse was born, and sent for another u/s to rule out any remaining placental tissue. They didn't make any notes on the u/s requisition that our baby had been born already, so I totally broke down when the tech started asking questions.

After getting the all clear from that, we were released around 2:00 or something - less than 24 hours after we found out that our baby had no heartbeat.

I swear I'm dehydrated just from the tears right now. I'd like numb to show up. Brad had to go back to work today, Manpower only gives 1 day bereavement leave (which was Tuesday, btw), and he insisted on taking yesterday too.

I'm sure this is disjointed, but it's kind of good to get it out.