Baby Jesse - born still, July 21, 2009

What's haunting to me most right now is how Jesse's story starts. Finding out I was pregnant again was hard, we were in no position to bring another child into our family, painful to admit that at the beginning, this was not a wanted baby. We were scared, lots of tears, acceptance came slowly - very slowly. Eventually though, and I cannot say exactly when, we came to accept that we were going to be the parents of 4, and even began to look forward to this new baby, and start making plans for him or her.

I first saw our midwife on April 27 at almost 11 weeks. Nothing fancy - lots of paperwork, and a cursory check for a heartbeat (wasn't found). No bells there, since it was still early.

Went in again on May 26, just shy of 14 weeks. Baby had a heartrate of about 160 bpm, everything seemed to be okay.

Had both an U/S and another appointment on June 22, just a couple of days shy of 19 weeks. U/S in the morning. Baby had a heartbeat (I don't have a count), but was apparently sleeping the entire time - the tech could NOT get babe to move, and was talking about how she 'hates' when they book u/s for prior to 18 weeks.
My midwife appointment went okay - fundus was at the right spot, and babe's heartrate was 150-160 bpm.
Midwife was not concerned that I had not been able to feel movement yet, apparently it's still early enough to not be a concern.

I started getting concerned not long after that, as more and more time passed and I was not feeling any movement, nor was I gaining any weight at all. Add in that I'd been on abx twice in the previous 6 weeks, I was getting scared.

I called the midwives on July 6th (just shy of 21 weeks) and told them about not feeling any movement and being totally scared because of that. They looked up the u/s and said that I had an anterior placenta, and that often causes a delay in feeling fetal movement. I was not cramping or bleeding, so hold out until my next visit.

On July 9th - so just over 2 weeks after the u/s, putting me just past 21 weeks, I went to a walk-in clinic thinking I had yet another ear infection. While there, I had the doc attempt to find the heartbeat, which he could not do. He looked up the u/s (done at the same clinic) and said that because those results looked 'good', he was not going to recommend another u/s even though he could not find a heartbeat - because the u/s had found an anterior placenta, and it was "unlikely" that anything had happened in the previous 2 weeks.

So, I wait. I had borrowed a doppler from a friend locally, but had long since stopped finding a heartbeat on my own - chocking this up to that damned anterior placenta I kept hearing about. I finally gave it back because I was driving myself insane. I spent so much time just laying down trying to feel SOMETHING. I couldn't even make myself imagine a movement though - there was NOTHING being felt.

And then we come up to my next appointment. Monday, July 20. 4:00 pm.

The kids and I drive up to the clinic, Brad meets us there (he works very close to the clinic).
Go in, mention again to the midwife that I'm still not feeling movement and can we please just cut to the chase and find it ? We go through a couple questions - I don't even remember what now - and she tries. But cannot find a heartbeat.

Worse - she cannot hear any placental sounds.

Calls in a 2nd midwife, who also cannot find anything.

They bring Brad and the kids in, and after a few phone calls and some paperwork on their part, we're sent off to Markham-Stouffville hospital to meet up with the on-call midwife.

Load up the kids, try to call our doula (no answer), and try to explain to the kids that we're going to the hospital to take some special photos, because we don't think baby's heart is beeping. Heather 'gets it' right away that it means that baby could be dead, and breaks down. Owen doesn't yet, and Wyatt is too young.

We get to the hospital - the OB brings in a little portable u/s machine, confirms that he can't see a heartbeat, but wants a proper u/s to confirm before we make any decisions. So off to u/s I go. We 'know' there isn't any life there, this waiting and rigamarole is painful (not physically) and the waiting is difficult for us all.

Anyhow - u/s again confirms that baby is gone, and has been for a long time. Back to the room for some talking and to make some arrangements for the kids. Brad's parents come up from Cobourg and take all three kids back with them.

I get back to our room about 8:30, have some blood work done and finally get a shot of Gravol.

Doctor has given us three options - stay and induce, wait and come back, or go home and wait. We wanted things done - I could not imagine dealing with delivering a still born at home with the kids there, knowing that it had been gone long enough to likely be a disturbing visual for a 2-, 4-, and 6-yr old. Going home wasn't going to help, I wasn't going to sleep and it would be hard on the kids to see Brad and I like that. So we stayed.

10:00 PM, Dr. G comes in and explains how we're going to induce - some kind of vaginal tablet (I didn't catch the name at the time) every 4 hours, and eventually an IV of oxytocin if needed. I get the first tablets then, and he confirms that my cervix is closed up tight.

Brad and I manage to dose off and on, and around midnight I start noticing some very mild cramping.

I woke up a bit before 2:00, knew that the doc would be coming in again soon, but couldn't get back to sleep anyhow. Still kind of crampy, but nothing I'd have called a contraction.

The nurse brought us in a TV and dvd player about then - we put in Mama Mia. Something to keep us occupied a little - some distraction through was was proving to be a LONG night.

Got the next tablets at about 2:15 AM or so, and again checked my cervix. Said it was soft, but still not dilating.

By 2:30 the cramping was getting pretty strong, in my legs and back as well as my belly. Basically steady, not off and on like a contraction is.

About 3:00, I'm in a fair amount of pain - but still a steady cramp, and Brad gets ahold of our nurse. She says she'll get me some morphine, and be back in a couple of minutes. I've peed by this time and seen a tiny bit of bloody mucous, but nothing much.

A couple minutes pass, the pain gets stronger, I'm kind of moaning through it, but it's not stopping.

About 3:25 I make a comment to Brad that it's been a long couple of minutes, and I notice at about the same time what feels like a gush, and also feel like I need to pee. I get up, and Brad tells me that it's blood. I go to the bathroom anyhow, and he goes out to get our nurse and let her know I'm bleeding (it's bright red blood now).

But it wasn't a need to pee that was my sensation - I no more than sit down to pee and I can feel bulging, and then pass what feels like a huge clot, but it's too slippery to catch, and it falls. I pull the call bell, but cannot move, cannot make myself look and see if what I knew had happened had really happened.

Brad and the nurses get there within seconds - she was apparently on her way to the room already, had had trouble contacting the doctor to okay the morphine, but had and was bringing it.

They got me back into bed - I think I was a bit shocky then, very shaky and scared all of a sudden. The nurse confirmed that our baby had been delivered. I made some stupid and completely inappropriate joke about continuing out tradition of water births.

It was quite some time before we got to see Jesse - he was not what anyone was expecting, and nobody seemed sure of how to proceed. They were expecting a baby who was 22 weeks, or close to it - somewhere around a full pound in weight and such. But our baby was much tinier than that. Had been gone longer than they'd thought he had. They called the midwife back in for us.

When the midwife came back she talked to us first, told us a little of what to expect, and asked us if we wanted to see the baby. We did - but I'll say it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Baby was born in the caul. The sac completely intact, placenta attached and everything.

The first thing I noticed was how small everything was - they'd not opened the sac yet - then how horrible the placenta was. The placenta was TINY - about the size of the bottom of a can of soda, but more oval - and mottled and white. Looked hard in some spots. The midwife said it showed as much calcification as that of a baby who is a couple weeks past their due date !

The midwife opened the sac, filled with meconium, and showed us our baby. The cord was wrapped twice around the neck.

Tiny - could fit into a hand. But skin so dark and stained. Perfect, but tiny, arms and legs, hands and feet - even fingernails already. Genitals were somewhat ambiguous, though both nurses, the midwife and the doctor said that they were about 80-90% sure it was a girl, they could not be sure. Ears looked like elf ears, kind of pointed. You could see ribs, a spine, everything. The only thing that was truly disturbing about the appearance of our baby was the head - she had passed long enough ago that her skull had collapsed, making her head quite flat. That was hard to see, hard to process.

We picked the name Jesse for our angel baby. It's a pretty name for a girl, but is just as easily a boys name if that is what the proper gender is.

They weighed him, a mere 3.9 oz (110 grams). We did allow a couple of pictures to be taken, but haven't got them yet - they will be stored at the midwifery clinic until we're ready to pick them up.

Neither Brad nor I held Jesse. He was extremely fragile, her bones barely bone. I commented to the midwife that he looked like rubber, and she agreed that that was a good analogy.

We will likely never know what happened to our little angel. They have sent the placenta off to pathology, but it will likely be several weeks before we get results. I wasn't clear on whether they were doing an autopsy or not. I don't think so, because there was just so little baby there.

I was hooked up to an IV with saline and oxytocin for about 6 hours after Jesse was born, and sent for another u/s to rule out any remaining placental tissue. They didn't make any notes on the u/s requisition that our baby had been born already, so I totally broke down when the tech started asking questions.

After getting the all clear from that, we were released around 2:00 or something - less than 24 hours after we found out that our baby had no heartbeat.

I swear I'm dehydrated just from the tears right now. I'd like numb to show up. Brad had to go back to work today, Manpower only gives 1 day bereavement leave (which was Tuesday, btw), and he insisted on taking yesterday too.

I'm sure this is disjointed, but it's kind of good to get it out.